minister's prayer one Sunday,
there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Tommy's mother was horrified.
She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked,
'Tommy, whatever made you do such a
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He
A Sunday school
teacher said to her children,
'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible
but there is a Higher Power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
How desperately difficult it is
to be honest with oneself.
It is much easier
to be honest with other people.
A little boy and girl were
singing their favorite carol in Church
the Sunday before
Christmas. The boy concluded "Silent Night"
with the words, "Sleep in heavenly beans."
"NO", his sister corrected, "not beans. Peas."
A Christian lady
was complaining to a friend about the hardness of life and
the circumstances that buffeted her and in anger said:
"Oh, I wish to God that I had never been made!"
"My dear child," replied the friend," you are not yet made;
you are only being made,
and you are quarreling with God's processes."
The day finally
arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.
He is met at the gates of heaven by the gatekeeper.
The gatekeeper says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is
filling up fast,
and we've been administering an entrance exam to everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here. I was looking forward
Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it
The gatekeeper goes on,
"Yes, I know, Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions.
Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over.
Forrest returns the next day and goes up to the gatekeeper to try to
answer the exam questions.
The gatekeeper waves him up and asks,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin
with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The gatekeeper's eyes opened wide and he exclaims,
"Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point
and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one? How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest.
"But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be
Astounded, the gatekeeper says, "Twelve! Twelve!
Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:
January second, February second, March second ..."
"Hold it," interrupts the gatekeeper. "I see where you're going with
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in
I'll give you credit for that one too.
Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows
it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks the gatekeeper. "What makes you think it's Howard?"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks the gatekeeper, "Which prayer?"
"You know, the Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest:
"Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name ..."
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the
The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father.
"What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy." The young boy replied excitedly,
"It stands for 'Basic