Jokes and Smiles 2

Church Bulletins

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of  those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.  

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.   
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.       

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of  several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Magician and the Parrot

A Magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks
over and over again. There was only one problem:
the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began
to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
'Look, it's not the same hat!' or 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!' or 'Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship
unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician
luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the
sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each
other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day...
and then 2 days... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot
could hold back no longer and said......

OK, I give up. Where's the ship?

Bran Flakes

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 
'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.  
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bloody bran flakes. 
We could have been here ten years ago.