Jokes and Smiles 5

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began,
with arms extended toward heaven.
'Without you, we are But dust...'
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little four year old girl voice,
'Mom, what is butt dust?'

"If you think you are too small to be effective,
you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
Bette Reese


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait
 as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it,
because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides,
it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible,
and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several
pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

Dear Lord
So far today, God, I've
done all right.
I haven't gossiped, haven't
lost my temper,
haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish
or over-indulgent.  
I'm really glad about that.
But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going
to get out of bed, and from
 then on
I'm probably going to
need a lot more help!

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out
making her rounds when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas
to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out,
but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient,
she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas,
she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with
gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car
two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said:
"I know that the Lord turned water into wine,
but if that car starts,
I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping at night
when Holmes nudges his colleague and says:
“Tell me what you see."

Watson ponders: I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" says Holmes.

“That there are billions of galaxies and planets;
that God is all powerful and that we are insignificant.
Why, what does it tell you?”

"Watson, you idiot. Our tent has been stolen."