Jokes and Smiles

You Can't Take It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.
St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?

Experience is a wonderful thing.  
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  Unknown   


Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. 

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper -- he calls it a poem;
they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. 
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper
-- he calls it a song; they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. 
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper
-- he calls it a sermon,
and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"





Let's look at some Church signs which should give you a laugh or two:

1. There was a Church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY trespassers will be baptized!

2. "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."

3. "Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"

4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins."

5. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

7. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

8. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

9. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."

10. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"

11. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

12. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this World."

13. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

14. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

15. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

16. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

17. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

18. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------(U R)

19. "In the dark? Follow the Son."

20. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."

21. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd

From Godsminute.com - Pastor Allen


A Sure Cure

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"
Author unknown


Letters To God


Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot  

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool! - Eugene  

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones
You have now? - Cindy

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan

Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool".
But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Edward

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil

Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom
 


A Special Find

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the
old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
Author unknown